He said I came instead of I'm coming. I wonder if he noticed my state of confusion when I stopped blowing him.
Wasn't he an English major?
No. Especially when my uncle started stripping. Too many shots. So that's where I get that from.
First funeral I've ever been to where the cops had to come.
His beard is glorious and he smells like barbecue. Introduce me to him.
We are going all out this weekend. My liver is already smiling.
Is it appropriate to put "Mommy and Daddys shitfaced-ness that led to Aubrey" on a birth announcement?
Well you two just had a kid in the middle of college, I dont think anyone will notice.
Thanks bro
I just puked so hard I pissed myself. Outta my ass. I just won hangover of the century.
Well I'm drunk and covered in baby oil so tonights not ideal
There is a midget driving a powered tricycle around town. I am not drunk, stoned, or lying.
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
Just cried watching Wimbledon, worst comedown ever.
Didn't know where your dishes went. Put em in the bathtub. They're stacked taller than you. It's like modern art.
BITCH I AM EXPERIENCING THE FEMININE MYSTERY SHUT UP AND GIVE ME DRUGS
he took my bra off with his teeth, THEN decided he just wanted to make out and cuddle. i don't know what the female version of blue balls is, but i've been living with it since 1 a.m.
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
Randomize
