1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
The ticket read "Found nude in a tree"
For what it's worth, your chances of anal go up the more she loves you. There's always a silver lining.
I may also break bread with strippers. Because it is passover.
If I refrain from fucking my manager, I'm going to reward myself by fucking that guy from the photo department.
He just kept screaming "I have democratic immunity" as the cops dragged him into the car.
It was about the point the universe collapsed in on itself and I was a singularity of insanity that I realized I was tripping balls.
I feel like we should at least be hungover if we're gonna be this grown up.
I would rather get explosive diarrhea at the aquarium than go home alone tonight
No other awkward car ride can beat the one you give your drug dealer home.
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
Also mom is not happy about me telling her how much i want the women sprinters on the Olympics to beat me up
She's asleep in a fisher-price toy car
It was rocky mountain showdown of course we got shitfaced and talked about eating buffaloes
I know you would. And one day, we'll have a moment where i'll verbally assault a stranger for you.
Randomize
