I met the friendliest cop last night
I checked into jail on foursquare
well i had to explain to their mom why the kids i babysit for won't stop repeating the phrase "nice juicy guido"
let me put this in terms we both understand. he was the crunchwrap supreme of men--the perfect combo of all things manly, gooey and delicious. and ready for instant enjoyment.
I have no idea what happened last night, but you're the only person I remember smashing my face into. Be honored.
the fact that my dorm room overlooks a children's daycare is enough initiative for me to have safe sex.
I just threw up on the floor. And we're gonna fuck on the beer pong table, so keep everyone upstairs.
Well you know it's going to be an interesting night when the bathroom attendant is doing hail marrys
Well we get the HIV results on my birthday haha. It'll be like happy birthday kid, you have AIDS.
It's probably because the lack of alcohol in your stomach. Alcohol kills bacteria. I am a doctor. Trust me
We need a bunch of roses, some chocolate, 2 cops, a mariachi band, and a thermometer
This couch is so comfortable I can tell if it's like a waterbed or I pissed myself
we need to make pact to not cut each other's hair on coke and whiskey nights.
While I agree, I dont think thats realistically possible
Okay so my roommate deals some drugs so whenever he leaves we can hook up, be ready
I didn't know I was the on call booty call damn
She picked a quarter off the floor, kissed it "for luck" and won the $20,000 jackpot. She bought dinner and stayed sober to drive us home. This is a typical example of a visit with my sister.
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