Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
I just saw the nastiest chick.
Where?
woke up next to her... fuck you jack daniels, fuck you
Ya know, years from now when that kid is old enough, I'll get to regale him with the story of how I was his father's AND uncle's first gay experience.
Every time I remember you're bi, the world gets a little brighter.
Let's discuss options later this evening. I'll draw out said options and compare and contrast the "accessibility" of the costume for quickies. Because you never know. Halloween is full of surprises. I'll also compare practicality, level of skank, and creative features.
The shit I just took made me regret every life decision leading up to it.
Lets now bow our heads and think of girls with ex boyfriends who were great at fingering them. That's so sad.
Send help, water and tortillas.
The last thing I remember is singing hotel California with a hobo and asking every bald man I saw if I could touch his head.
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
It's like an adderall Houdini. Right when you think you have a deal he disappears
You know it's time to call it a night when every guy in the bar (all 3 of them) have seen you naked at one time or another.
"fuck it, let's do moonshine" shouldn't be in ANYONE'S vocabulary.
I love how we can bond over the fact that we're the only ones who think the guy I drunk hooked up with looks like Voldemort
THERE IS WATER LITERALLY DRIPPING OFF OF THE CHANDELIER. I OFFICIALLY HAVE THE WORLD'S WORST RAINFALL SHOWER HEAD.
Randomize
