Just saw a man jogging. For recreation. At 3am. Who's he training to be, batman?
I just found a dead bug in my nose. if that's the worst thing up there im considdering myself lucky.
Reason #437 to hate Louisiana: Just went to the public bathroom at work. It was so humid the toilet seat was damp and sticky. Either it's the humidity or I sat in somebody's yesterday piss. I choose to believe the humidity.
in hindsight, $10 Malibu buckets were a terrible idea...
I can't believe we just used the phrase "jizz to juice ratio" in casual conversation.
he has a knack for choosing the worst time to masturbate
I just had to explain to my 62 year old advisor what "tea-bagging" was in the middle of her lecture. I smell extra credit. And maybe a demonstration.
IF I CAN STICK YOUR DICK IN MY MOUTH, I CAN STICK MY GUM ON YOUR NIGHTSTAND.
I woke up on the dog bed, bottle of alcohol still in hand and my thong was hanging off the family portrait.... Yikes
I just messaged a senior at Harvard and told him to 'tinder me softly'
I'm gonna keep a minimum of five drink promise to myself
You mean maximum 5?
No other way to put this but the dick was not worth him crying for an hour after. No more online hookups.
I'm fine with our borderline lesbian behavior.
Why are you drunk at the library?
Why not?
Two grav bong hits and a shower later and I'm ready for company
It's like you say things that speak to my soul on a deep personal level
Randomize
