I know its time to do laundry... i cant even find a dirty sock to wear because they all have jizz in them
The movie was so bad she gave me two blowjobs. Two.
she walked out and i tried to get her to come back but i couldn't remember her name so i just whistled... future reference: that doesn't work
She just broke down showed up grabbed a beer said fuck it pulled off her fake eyelashes looked at my roommate and said we need to break up you're a nice guy and I'm a whore
So. I need to gloat. I couldn't exactly tell my family that I won this game by deep throating.
The $10 cab ride turned into a $60 cab ride when you puked down the back of his seat trying to whisper in his ear. He was a trooper though, he came into to wash off in the sink and still tried to get your number.
I got a 5/5 with my "I don't want a baby" rant essay. She said my use of the word "leeches" was a powerful metaphor :)
I asked you for a cigarette and you handed me your phone and told me to search for one
Like its not even midnight and I've already had enough of her for all of 2015
1. so the new neighbor u called dibs on.. I'm sorry..but not really. 2. She lactates, I guess that happens when you have a kid less then 5 months ago.... WTF!! 3. Is it fucked up I'm craving Ceral & Milk now?
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
He grabbed my tits and sang "you are so beautiful" to them before faceplanting into my chest
on the bright side i found your panties and the lid to the nutella
All I did today was eat pizza and use my vibrator.
The cops asked Ben if he was drunk and he slurred "I'm man enough to admit that I am" with a southern draw
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