it appears as though my vagina has gotten the best of me again
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
What do you mean how did you end up there? You told him he had a face you'd like to ride, that's a deal sealer in any language.
But he found my shoe...that at least deserves a handjob.
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
He ate the contents of an ashtray and didn't puke, I think he can handle drinking a fifth to himself.
The fact that you walked around talking like Barbie and still got laid amazes me.
When someone's woman crush wednesday is an ultrasound of her unborn daughter...
I can't
Just to clarify, I'm still tripping balls
On an unrelated note, I've come up with a theory of everything
I gave him head during Pitch Perfect 2, I felt like the Bella's were cheering me on with their back up tunes
sexting just seems like too much work right now.
He fucked me so hard my hair extensions fell out
I probably should have told her I was actually the drunkest one there before she let me pierce her ear
I boned my sugar daddy for the first time yesterday and now I know why they say guys in their 40s are the best. Also I’m getting a car.
THIS IS WHAT CELL PHONES ARE FOR! So you can tell me that you're bringing your coworker who lives in the "Halleleuia community" home for a beer SO I'M NOT DRESSED IN LEATHER LINGERIE WHEN HE WALKS IN THE FUCKING DOOR!!
Randomize
