I can count the number of hours she's been sober this weekend on one hand.
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
We haven't even moved into the apartment yet and she has already screwed two of our neighbors. This is going to be the longest 12 month lease of my life.
Okay the common myth about putting tampons in you nostrils for a nose bleed is busted. It just starts coming out through your throat.
I got written up at work for smelling like sex and vodka. Still not sure how they put that into professional terms.
That's the saddest description of touching yourself I've heard since someone said "I was just lazily rubbing my clitoris while eating Cheetos alone"
Don't worry, the house smells like waffles more than sex
The EMT told me when I left the ER "I'd like to take off your pants again and inspect your package. Just not during a medical emergency..." We're hooking up tonight.
Points for getting a hot hook up after getting a shard of glass in your thigh. Almost makes it worth it.
I asked if I could borrow some condoms. She referred to herself as "a soup kitchen for whores".
My alarm went off and I went straight for your dick. That's dedication.
He interrupted me giving him head to ask if I were hungry, because he wanted to eat pizza. Wtf.
The stripper was dressed as the green lantern. Even for a geeky girls' bachelorette party it was lame ass.
I've got five complains from the landlord about she being too loud during sex in two weeks I'm marrying her
Is it possible for mice to climb? If so I think mice are climbing into my bed in the night and playing with my hair..
My vagina just clenched in fear
Randomize
