I passed out in the cab. Woke up to the cabby yelling SIR SIR WE ARE AT THE TRAIN STATION!! SIRRRR!!
She described it as "a squirrel being hit by a hurricane"
I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
If im going to fail a midterm I might as well be drunk while I do it
I wonder who the first pervert was, and if he would be proud of me for advancing his art form by so much
I have fireworks and redbull; let's make heart attack inducing magic happen.
I went through my entire iTunes library and made a playlist called "Feelings". I have 7.5 hours of feelings.
Notice how both of our plans for hooking up with these guys involve getting them drunk?
Oh my God, we're like men but with great boobs.
I think we need to dedicate ourselves to building your stamina back to uterus breaking level
I've orgasmed four times in the past 24 hours. And my mom's dropping off cookies later
We had sex on the tiger blanket while I was wearing my Ukrainian shirt and my ass touched the Ukrainian flag. Happy 25th Ukraine!
My neighbour just came round to ask why we posted a spatula through his door at 3am. What do I tell him??
I am watching a girl dressed up as santa, full on fat suit, try to fight a six foot 200lb man. A reindeer threw beer on everyone. Shit is going down
I threw up soo much that I started crying. Then his grandma randomly came in and started rubbing my back...
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
Randomize
