last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
every time i get drunk at her place i end up leaving with nothing but an empty box of toaster strudels..
You taught me that having a dip while u shit is awesome. I appreciate u for that
I feel the need to point out that one of the items on my to-do list for the day is "don't throw up" I have no concept of normal
Just found my shirt from Saturday, got an automatic contact buzz.
I have reached the state of intoxication where it is now a requirement to sit while peeing.
You need to be full form and virile tomorrow so I can live vicariously through your rub and tug.
I just figured out how I'm going to tie you to my bed. Hint: I may have to go to the auto parts store before you get here.
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
My ex's new gf is pregnant and he is sterile, so 2016 is starting off well.
That's when I realized I was probably naked in the wrong bed
I masterbated to his instagram page. Too far or....?
I woke up naked and you weren't here. What a relief.
What the hell happened to the sandwich meat I just bought?
After you smoked, you made 8 ham sandwiches.
Guess that explains the mysterious disappearance of the bread...
His 89 y/o father walked in on us. Judging by the gasp/moan, I don't think the 1920s prepared him to see another dude inside his son.
Randomize