woke up to find a pram in the balcony. first thing we did was look over the edge!
something must definitely be wrong with me if i'm chasing after a guy who cant even get it up
They had a "who can aim further away from the toilet" contest. I'm now washing piss off my ceiling.
She gave me a bj in her parent's kitchen while I ate the rest of her mom's birthday cake. Fuck. Yes.
After I threw him out he walked down the street peeing in stride. I almost wanted to let him back in.
and yes i will spend 10 dollars on a vibrating toothbrush to masturbate but not a calculator for my test
I'm crying, drinking alone and applying for jobs tonight. I figure the alcohol will lower my job standards.
I'm chugging Gatorade because i drank something called a trashcan and someone named Gianna diamond has my credit card number, and I think I might have ruined my life.
My love will cover her like lulu lemon yoga pants. Casually supportive and always complimenting your Ass.
I can't remember dinner
Hahaha "rub in the ketchup on your face, It'll just look like blush." some gay waiter said that to you, and you go "good idea!"
in a meeting in my bathtub while predrinkin for tonight. technology.
MY GOD WHY DIDN'T I TAKE PHOTOS OF HIS CREDIT CARDS WHILE HE WAS SLEEPING
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
sometimes i just have a bad day n consider lowering my standards
He eats kale on the regular. Do I look like a bitch that wants to eat kale. No. Give me some Boston market.
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