i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
it never fails, everytime he manages to fuck my earrings out of my ears.
He came up to me muttering about the pills on the bathroom floor... I found him an hour and a half later trying to take naked photos of himself with an alarm clock...
I'm doing laundry in pjs and heels, home alone with my margarita bucket.
He just asked me if I wanted a ride on the "bologna pony." I never wanna have sex again...
Well if you're drunk enough to make some mistakes this week I'd be down to redeem myself for my poor performance.
Made a pan flute out of the varyingly empty beer bottles on the table. Played a glorious tune that paid tribute to the winds.
Did he seem like the type of guy that would maybe take weed as payment?
You know it's been a rough year when your therapist mouth is just wide open. And I didn't even get to the real issue!
Do you think dominoes pizza would deliver faster if I told them I just had shower sex and that always makes me hungry?
You kept saying "this bitch", mumbled incoherently for like 5 minutes, took a shot, and kept going.
Thank you, BTW, for defiling my bed. Glad it was done well.
apparently in the middle of sex, i said "i just really love the food network i watch it every day"
I'm pretty sure I smell like alcoholism and shame. And it's not a pretty scent.
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
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