im ready to get crazy and take my wig off
apparently i walked up to the counter, put $30 worth of snacks next to this girl, and went 'uhh i have no money'
Her dress is practically falling off. It must know I'm here.
She checked into foursquare right as she left work so he would think she was there late and not on some other guy's dick
I have to say for barely passing high school, that girl is a genius.
False alarm it was margarita mix all over my hands not blood
if it looks like there's being an exorcism being performed you know your doing something right.
That awkward moment when your boyfriend tries to have sex with his go pro on #hdporn
i don't know man... i just want to listen to John Lennon every time i finish fucking her. is this love?
I mean, you have to swipe right on someone you had sex with last week though, right?
i peed in the parking lot at work not even thinking, a woman saw
What if for Halloween I paint my self gold and make sandwiches for everyone? I'd be a trophy wife! Get it?
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
i got pulled over completely sober but looking like death. dick cop made me do a field sobriety test. he also said "no sober person could have 7 BK bags"
How do you tell a vegan you want him to stuff you like a turkey?
seriously i don't trust him. he fed me a hot dog out of a crock pot and gave me moonshine dashed jager bombs.
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