I wish I loved anything like you love Tequila.
His sex texting was like a step by step guide to the most boring sex ever...
What is the pluralization of human? I just got humen rejected, and I am going completely blank...
Just got roadhead while going 95. I came for a mile and a half.
he proceeded to grab my vagina through my leggings in the middle of the dance floor. strangely enough I was okay with it
The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height
You were basically naked. Just covered in pink duck tape and feathers. I'd have to say this is beyond the slutty mark..
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
Maybe one day we'll get unicorn butt tattoos together
They got mad when I cut the pizza with an x-acto knife. Oh well, more for me then.
Dude, if that was the MLB player I think it was leaving your bedroom this morning please tell me you got his autograph. It could pay the rent for like six months.
Did she seriously come back inside just to piss on the kitchen floor?
I'd give anything to be driving a pirate ship wearing nothing but a coconut bra and a grass skirt eating a pizza and watching dolphins jump in the waves. Dreams ya gotta have dreams
Good, I've got all this booze. It's intimidating to be in the room alone with it..
I had perfectly good intentions but my penis had other ideas and now I need a place to crash what do you say
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