Making my coffee at work this morning let out a jack daniels fark. Turn around and see the quiet guy making his breakfast
Update from family reunion: my aunt Janet once got her legs stuck behind her head. The fire department had to be called.
Is it weird that I want your dad to go down on me?
Awww, you two will make beautiful abortions together...
Im only slightly posetive that left over guacamole and wine are unacceptable for breakfast at 6.30 am
Come over and play the Jeter 3000 drinking game. You drink if the commentators say "captain" or "3000". I'll drink if they say "overrated" or "past his prime".
We are going to get clementines. And shoot them out of a ballon launcher. That's after we come up to the ivy with a bullhorn and reck havoc. Where are you.
I remember now some guy came over and hit on me and poured peppermint schnapps and chocolate syrup in my mouth. Pretty sure he was dressed like Santa....
I'm going to buy her a puppy, let her fall in love with it, then kill it in front of her. Does that answer how I feel about her?
Just to an Octoberfest and a sex party. Nothing wild.
My boyfriend sold my favorite shoes right off my fucking feet last night outside the bar. It might have played a part in our breakup today.
she's a drunken disney princess. so basically me if i had a crown and no desire for independence.
Be happy for me... Or horny... Or be a really good friend and feel what I want you to feel. Jealousy
On a scale of 1 to 10 how good of an idea would it be to pregame at the airport right now
Ten
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
Randomize
