ill find time for any girl whos not afraid to grab my junk in front of 100 people
careful of the bathroom.... theres some drunken ninja turtles in there....
professor came back from spring break missing a tooth
Say something like you want him to fuck you behind a McDonald's. Guys secretly love weird shit like that.
Cancel that soberness update. I just almost fell down in the security line
I got a dollar bill stuffed into my bra on two separate occasions by two separate guys simply for having boobs. I feel like somewhere god is patting himself on te back while pointing at me goin "you're welcome dude." easiest two bucks I ever made.
I just used my AAA membership to fix a strippers flat tire in return for a lapdance...does that make me a bad person?
Me and the cabbie are stopping on the way at a sit down restaurant to eat. My life is so sad.
I don't know if it is the Everclear or chemistry, but i think my brain is coming out of my ears.
Please tell me you woke up next to the hot one cause his ugly friend is still snoring in my bed and my favorite panties are ripped.
Wingwoman of the year. I'll buy you dinner tonight and a new thong. It was THAT good.
She has also never texted me first which I think might be a tell-tale sign she wants me to die alone.
That last one reminds me of the time we smoked that foot-long joint and by the time we'd finished we were so stoned we applauded it.
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
He asked me how many starwars references he could make before i no longer find him attractive.
Randomize
