you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
Just deleted any ex boyfriends and potential lovers from my phone in preparation for Vegas...
I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
Is puking blood really that bad of a sign? Can we pretend this is okay?
It's okay.
i robbed the continental breakfast last night
I found them on a couch next to the sidewalk screaming at cars with a megaphone. Kevin chased the mailman with a jello shot.
Dude, just be careful. Her invitation for BJ is just a trap for her to stick her finger up your ass.
I fcuked ip.
Is this your way of telling me that you got drunk in your office before meeting with your dissertation advisor again? Or that you finally banged that freshman fraternity pledge?
You told me you had two boobs that want to be naked for me. I'm just following up on your request.
If my neighbors have super loud sex again tonight, I'm going to leave a ball-gag and roll of duct tape in their mail slot.
Decided to make myself tequila gummy bears but got impatient and just drank the bowl of tequila.
i want to platonically make out with them, platonically. in the back of this minivan
Booty called 3 guys from my hospital bed
why is there a porcupine in the kitchen
Never make a coconut bikini from a real coconut.
I smell like old thai food.
Randomize
