and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
drug dealer added me on facebook, win ?
omg no way im finding him!
he has no pics of his face, and im always drunk so i cant remember if hes cute or not, but he told me im in his phone as "party girl" which is fitting i guess cause im dragging my hungover ass to buy preggo tests, and i had to get the cheap ones cause i blew all my cash on coke.
He left the bathroom door open so i would hear him masturbate in the shower to make me feel guilty for not putting out but it just turned me on cause i like guys masturbating. weird?
Yeah, I was googling pictures of sharks, and I accidentally typed "shart." Huge mistake.
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
This Xanax laced vodka tonic will help me forget that all these spring breakers are all young enough to have been my students.
found my necklace. it was safe with all 6 boxes of peeps that i bought that night.
they're doing drop shots of Jager into red wine. i don't want to be on that level
Then you started asking people on the drunk bus if they knew the word "gumption". if they didn't you told them they weren't taking advantage of their high education opportunities and you were disappointed in them.
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
I went full Overly Attached Girlfriend. You never go full OAG.
what the hell is that chicken wire thing she's holding?
An artistic expression of her stupidity.
So it was all good until she started grabbing my beard and telling me to "roar little lion"
He doesn't have much of a personality but he makes up for it with his sexual prowess
keeper.
I got a pots and pans set and a vibrator. Merry Crisis.
Randomize
