maybe tonight we can turn coloring into a drinking game
My entire childhood was an ugly sweater party
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
I keep telling girls I work at the carnival and then guessing their weights. I'm pretty sure I'm about to get kicked out.
My liver hurts and I just woke up from my first sleep in two days
Sounds like the perfect vacation
I'm just pissed at the whore who takes over my body when I'm blacked out.
I would rather get explosive diarrhea at the aquarium than go home alone tonight
I'm a professor! I can't be caught chasing the liquor with you hooligans once the undergrads have seen my face
He has a bed frame and a headboard.... That match his dresser and nightstand...
Hahah. That's good.
I feel like you don't understand the severity with which this weirds me out...
We have to do it Saturday and get a thirty. If i remember correctly it takes me 12 beers to become a wizard
I'm in Home Depot and I can feel the straight bob the builders staring at me. I bet it's like I have a rainbow arrow pointing at me.
I think I pulled a muscle in my tongue.
sorry? thank you? I love you?
You grabbed my shirt and said, "hope you're not attached" and ripped it off before I could answer you.
It was an entirely appropriate time and place for sexual thoughts.
That doesn't make it ok to play by play me your honeymoon!
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
Randomize
