I think she just tried to waterboard me with her vagina.
just saw my sister at the strip club... dont think she's "taking a night class over the summer"
he had a sign stolen from the tennis court hanging above his bed that said, "please limit play to one hour while others are waiting"
Left my card at the bar and had a drunk girl climb on the hood of my running car to scream at me.
I don't care how much you're grieving a loss, masturbating off the side of a roof is not acceptable mourning behavior.
He's wearing my bra and eating a breadstick while jumping on our bed.....
He was on top and as he finished he yelled "I love gold" , so yeah I'm seeing him later tonight
Its a holy bong. We had to bless the holy bong water.
Apparently she "missed me" and the only logical solution was to fuck my brother.
I need to start a penis folder so I stop "accidentally" showing people my junk. On a side note- St. Pattys penis was a hit, four leaf clover and all.
just the thought of you slurpin down noodles really rustles my jimmy
you suck at sexting
Im going to seductively wisper "that butters my biscuit" in your ear
Drunk version of me is like a sleeping demon inside of me that awakes to the sound of vodka
Gatorade without vodka just doesn't taste the same
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
Randomize
