if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
I just fell for a fake 50 dollar bill in a urinal. Fuck pittsburgh
We stole your phone last night, texted your brother and told him you wanted it up the ass by him. All he said was "I want ur money."
There are not enough shots in the world for this. We walked in and they shouted "the pilgrims are here!" And then someone handed me a turkey leg the size of my arm.
I really want to title the album "I want to make sex with your face" but I also want a job someday. Temptations, temptations.
Sending me a thank you card for letting you fuck my sister was completely inappropriate
How can he have such a manly penis and baby hands?!
This isnt meant to be as creepy as it sounds, but do you seriously want a lock of the hair I cut off?
So the old dude that tried to fight me is definitely Katie's dad. And the pot cookie's kicking in. Shit is getting weird.
It was awful. Their identical twins so it was like having sex with Jeff wearing a wig and shaved legs.
He's passed out. He nodded his head when I asked if he's alive though...so there's that
Listen it's no longer the walk of shame to class when ur leaving the frat house and the brothers ask "when are coming back home"
Its a good night when you make $200 and didn't have to see any balls
i spent most of my hangover doing the math to figure out the last of the alcohol would be metabolized from my system.
thank you pre-med degree.
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
Randomize
