If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
I just sneezed and it tasted like taco bell.
the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
i'm 67% sure he was trying to sing in hawaiian
Based on how hungover I feel today, it makes more sense that the bouncer didn't let me in to that bar.
Well, let's be honest here. You're dealing with gay guys... EVERYTHING has an emotional attachment.
Woke up with 3 sports bras for underwear. Valiant effort drunk me.
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
Is it bad that I see a party full of girls I know he has fucked as a challenge for me to be the one who ends up in his bed?
You can't find true love with Budweiser and a futon
Just when I decided to go get a taco and a blunt cake it starts raining. Coincidence? or divine intervention?
I just twinged a muscle in my shoulder trying to hug myself. In the world of loneliness-based injuries, this is a new low for me.
Dude, if that was the MLB player I think it was leaving your bedroom this morning please tell me you got his autograph. It could pay the rent for like six months.
I know he works a lot but c'mon man. I 69'd you the first week we boned. Put a little effort in. Fuck.
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
Randomize
