Will you blow on my dice?
This is a mass text. Does anyone know where I am?
my mom just called and warned me someone is trying to serve me, i feel like i'm playing an extreme game of hide and go seek these next weeks
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
just walked past a girl in her cap and gown puking her brains out beside a tree. her friends were taking pictures of her.
The fact that I found him in his Ninja Turtles t-shirt next to six empty and obviously consumed packs of EasyMac watching reruns of Becker certainly made telling him that I wanted a divorce so much easier than I had planned.
After he came inside me, he made us hold hands and pray that I wasn't pregnant.
New major. Tourism Management. I dont know what it is but it sounds like something all the stupid slutty failed business management majors do.
Can an epipen be used as a tranquilizer ?
This is God's way of telling me He loves me and wants me to be a cocktease.
Go forth my daughter and give blue balls to all who may gaze upon your tits.
Honestly I will go to church for him, I will even try to quit smoking for him. But his dick is not worth losing alcohol. He sure as fuck isn't taking away our wine nights.
All I know is that I woke up with glitter all over me and blood on my shoes. It wasn't my blood.
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
Not only did I sleep with the guy but I think I may have called my work and quit to go work for him.
Randomize
