i'm gonna be such a cougar when i'm older...i just facebook stalked my little sister's 13 yr old boyfriend while drinking a bottle of wine....
went to the gyno and found out that i have a birthmark on my clit. its like god gave guys a little help when it comes to getting me off.
Bathtub guy came to. He helped me roll the fat chick away from the fridge. Shower and breakfast are on. You're plan failed!
Yeahhh, apparently my brothers think its ok not to check on me if a creeper is talking to me bc i "like those weirdo types"
Sorry I drunkenly insulted your air mattress last night. You still could have fucked me on it though.
Welp, I can cross "making out with a guy in a dress" off my bucket list...
I wish I was there to have sex with you on the plane to lessen your anxiety.
That's the nicest thing anyone has over said to you.
I woke up on a navy base in a different time zone. I'm never leaving tallahassee again.
The best part of the night was you shouting "I have to take the LSAT tomorrow" between shots of fireball.
Like you haven't hit rock bottom until you have had to throw your own turd out a window
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
It's still fucked up that my mom let me think Vanilla Ice was my dad for YEARS just because she thought it was funny.
Woke up in a car, do you own a silver car parked a few miles form the house...hope so
Sorry I had sex in your backseat while everyone was in the car
It's quite alright. I found his shorts in my backseat, not sure what he was wearing when we dropped him off
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
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