Theres a random in my bed. Omg but at least he's a law student?
Omg. I just woke up in a room full of naked people
He kept starring at my ass and repeating "Its Just a beautiful piece of artwork."
I wish I has some fucking Fairy God Parents, I want a kit kat so bad.
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
You force fed me chocolate chips and avocados for 3 hours and kept asking me about my trip to sweden when I was 4.
Well it was tamer than the 4th of july when I blew that guy I met walking home from the fireworks
You screamed "show me a dick stand!" But before I could ask you wft that was you had passed out in the corner
Don't worry, the house smells like waffles more than sex
Apparently I really was petting a bunny named lazarus in Jimmy Johns last night.
You kept sacrificing me last night. You would just yell out "Virgin Sacrifice!!" and then throw me into a circle of men.
I'm smoking in a kimono on the couch. Bring me gin.
He gave me a script of norcos and touched my balls so overall it's been a good day.
Just realized that I bailed on you guys yesterday just so I could get wendy's. it was worth it but still, sorry
You crawled into bed with Bob and started whispering to him about produce.
Randomize
