I just saw how many times I called you last night. You're welcome.
Did you know that when you swallow it's like 60 calories!?
That's okay, it's all protein anyway.
don't look now, but that cross eyed girl is staring at you... and me.
I am so stoned and my professor is handing out candy. I love Halloween.
Just sold this kid "Magic Furry Apples". He is way to high to figure out they are just peaches.
At least he's a nutritious stoner...
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
Im deleting that text because its a possible ncaa violation
my roommate just showed me the scar on her forehead... that she got from a shake weight... That. just. happened.
The only way to make beer can wizard staffs any better is to sew your own wizards robe and hat to go along with it. welcome to tuesday nights at my new apartment
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
Came so hard my ears popped. This lovely piece of news and pissin in my driveway brought to you by rum
If I was a guy I'd keep a condom in my pocket, in my wallet, in my backpack, in my car, in my shoe, behind my fucking ear
My boss just lit a candle and said a prayer to get laid tonight ..
no we just smoked too much weed and listened to the tarzan soundtrack. phil collins is amazing
Is it weird that the girl I'm fucking just wished me luck on my date tonight?
Randomize
