i am devastated. she was DTF and I was about to puke, i told her to wait outside my room for a second. Puked. Passed out woke up, she was gone. Found puke stains on my keyboard that seem to spell out youporn....
Its a good thing the lights were off cuz Im pretty sure the look on my face when I touched his penis would have offended him
The woman at the nail salon waxing my lip just showed me the strip with all the hair on it while smirking. Apparenltly 'you have a stache' can be communicated through a language barrier.
I've been ignoring his texts cause last night I put him in my phone as 'ignore for atleast a day' and I trust my drunk self.
I just want to jump into a ballpool of dicks now.
One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake.
All three of my roommates have their significant others over. We're all hanging out in the living room. It's like I'm the trifecta of third-wheeling
He knows whenever I get drunk I'm going to call him and make fun of his major. Its like a reverse booty call.
You've lost booty call privileges between the hours of 10pm and 8am.
The last time I saw her someone was carrying her on a bike and she was yelling that she was E.T.
I woke up at 6 and was laying at the top of my stairs.
I'm disappointed in the internet. It's two days and there's still no fanfiction based off that Manning/Beckham commercial.
You don't even like football
I brought coffee but not enough for the naked guy on your porch
He woke up and decided to go for a swim in the lake... At about 3am... With his dogs
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
Randomize
