My dad just yelled at me for going to youth group with out telling him. Apparently going out to fuck a girl without telling him gets me a high 5, going to youth group gets me grounded.
no, literally. he fb chatted me and said "since you're online i figured we could bang tonight?"
All I remember is holding on to the elevator asking it politely to stop spinning
She just ended a sentence with "and he doesn't even mind my herpes..."
Turns out getting tied up to two door handles and forced to repeatedly cum is actually a really good ab workout.
I met her at the liquor store. I hope I'm wearing a condom
Apparently the cops have a video of me singing bob seger "Night moves".
My dad just gifted me an alaskan flag he stole from the govenor's mansion. He said it was to hang on the wall at 3316, to start a morning ritual. Then he mimed kegstands and vomiting. Senior year will be epic.
i now officially have to be stoned in order to look like my passport when i go to a different country
I want "hickeys on my ass" sex
So I come home yesterday and my brother is like "watch this" and it turns out he's been retraining my dog to come running when u say "anal"
I am making dinner in lingerie and heels and there is a 75% chance his roommate is going to walk in on this.
Yup. There he is. This conversation is awkward.
don't act like you've never hung your towel on your dick after getting out of the shower
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
I'm so drunk I forgot what to do to go pee.
Randomize
