Reason #82 that I need to get laid: my pubes are getting split ends.
three words: i give head
three words: not that well
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
He kissed my cheek and I could smell it the whole way home like shit
We need somewhere to take these girls. Otherwise it's a orgy in the Mazda.
you just kept bragging about how there was a "pretty large" chance that you had pooped on the same toilet as George Clooney
She narrowed it down to 7 guys that could have gotten her pregnant.
Apparently she saw two women get in a slapping match over a comforter at target yesterday. She said it was awesome. Clearly I take after her.
styled my pubes into a mustache as a surprise. Thought you should know
Your cock deserves a montage
I've been buying my puppy dildos for chew toys. I can't wait till a girl comes over and my dog is gnawing on a giant black cock
You're now part of the minority of friends who haven't seen my boobs.
He wrote his entire dissertation last night. I can only imagine the frightening amount of headway he would make if he ever did things sober.
why do i have a pole dance champion shot glass?
If I don't answer right away it's because I took an Adderall and the fridge needs cleaned.
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