What happened to our ballroom dancing plans
so i woke up to her 8 year old asking for a bowl of cereal...
FYI: Do not ever call any girl a thundercunt as a form of dirty talk.
I wish Denzel Washington would coach my flip cup team..
Word to the wise: do not smoke before going grocery shopping with only 12 bucks. So stressful.
I'm sorry and I love you. One day we're going to live in a whore mansion with our babies and make boys cry.
I think the fact that I shit my pants, threw away my underwear in a frat bathroom, lost my socks down a drain in the front yard and still got laid... deserves some sort of a victory drink for myself or a blowjob for him since he was such a good sport.
I made a list on my phone of places I want to fuck, it's right under my list of groceries I'm getting a little too used to regular sex but dude monogamy is the shit
I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
If you could watch a water balloon run... That's what it's like watching her run.
God fucking bless the man who invented the vibrator. Bless him and all his descendants. I think I saw the face of God tonight
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
I'm hungry, horney and thirsty. Pick two you want to help out with.(please pick horney)
Step one: We finally agreed on an au pair that we both wanna fuck.
What you have to understand is that our lives aren't a disappointment so much as they crashed and burned with lethal doses of radiation and dog shit.
Randomize
