life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
maybe all of them together would equal one normal sized dick.
Remember when we did the egg drop from the Dyson building? Her vag is like that, except with a ham, and the ham doesn't make it. I'll be back to the apartment in ten.
we're all still whores. we just have a theme song now.
Well, I wanted to be you for Halloween but I couldn't fit seven dicks in my mouth.
I got a thank you card in the mail from the virgin i slept with on the camping trip. Weird or the new classy?
How do you respond to a booty call from yesterday?
I literally stopped banging her when my ESPN app alerted me that the Spurs had won. That's how much I hate Lebron. I would rather watch him cry in the post game interviews than get it in
Fell asleep on kitchen floor again, chicken nuggets everywhere.
Do you think I can get away with quoting Work Bitch by Britney Spears in my speech?
He went down on me for an hour and a half. He needs to get promoted more often.
Apparently 'ewww' is not the correct response to him saying he has to go to a funeral while I'm there.
I just found weed in my bra #magicboobs2k16
I hate when pubes grow back. My mons is a warzone.
We free pour in this house. Measuring alcohol is for the weak
Randomize
