i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
counting down the days left of school on my birth control packet.
You're so wise. You're like my sexual Grandmother Willow.
Also, we should really buy some bandaids. Right now I'm using toilet paper and scotch tape, but I don't really think that's sanitary.
Like it was the Mama Mia of shit shows. That bad.
I have been referring to it as "thanks for getting out of me day" all week. Do you think they will still take me to brunch tomorrow?
I'd recommend you leave that level of crazy to the experts. I'd start with an under appreciated soccer mom if I were you.
Strange request but for my birthday you should get me one of those vibrators that you can plug into your iPod that go along with the music.
I got a 5/5 with my "I don't want a baby" rant essay. She said my use of the word "leeches" was a powerful metaphor :)
If he would've shaved his beard when we first broke up, getting over him would've been so much simpler. That asshole.
He made me a flamingo drink and now I don't know why things are the way they are.
I think I've had more sex in your bed than you have and I've only been here three days
I mean it's up to you where you want to sleep but I'm telling you you're going to hear us have sex no matter what room you're in.
Fair enough
I got really worried when i woke up and there weren't any missed booty calls from him between 3 and 5 am. Apparently his gf is in town ...
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
Randomize
