sorry i'm running a bit late. had to shave my brittney...was looking more like rapunzel. clearly i've been having a drought.
Just turned elections for the sorority into a drinking game. Right on.
any plan I had today of being a productive member of society, I am officially throwing out the window.
I feel like im in a tornado of daylight savings, tequila and death
I may be the first guy in history to get dome while watching An Extremely Goofy Movie.
I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
He dumped me and I don't wanna fuck his best friend for revenge. Is this what maturity feels like?
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
Oh no I havn't even told you about the naked asians yet
So I'm looking through your google history on your laptop and you have 'is ketchup even remotely nutritious' and 'alcohol with fewest calories but highest alcohol'. What new fad diet are you on because I feel like we could do this together.
Then we all started singing, "Our house, in the middle of the street. Our house, fucks a lot of freshman meat". It was magical.
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
so you 69ed him in the parking lot of your apartment
yah I won't allow him in my apartment
There are condoms rolled onto each bunny ear of the ears I was wearing last night
I balled in the shower for 20 minutes, rolled up to the meeting late looking like a gremlin, and my one night stand was standing there in a suit
Randomize
