I did a mental Irish jig when he pulled out the second condom.
And then a tiny penis fell out of my purse
Wearing the BK Crown on the throne while dropping the kids off at the pool? Yes, one of my life's goals. Win
Dude before you bang that chick preheat the oven to 425 I wanna make a pizza for afties
i'm having flashbacks of crying and telling you i was made out of egg salad.
at one point he couldn't find his underwear so he put on my catsuit to go to the bathroom
it was like vegas minus all of the penis and death threats
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
I went over to help her build a porch, but we decided that was too much work, so we just got high and watched Scooby Doo
I was so high the sounds of a cricket drove me out of my home at 4am.... Boo that fucking cricket
you ran up to the police and said "fuck the police shit we living in hell ". Then you dropped your Margarita and said "Darby Out" lol
I want to be tan and drunk. Is that too much to ask for?
My vape juice got mixed up with the astroglide.
Wow..I bet that tasted bad.
Not tasted.
Me and dad were just reflecting on that time he found a gas mask bong in the backyard.
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