my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
How does, "Im sorry I was such an intoxicated bitch, I didn't mean anything I said" sound as an apology.
Why did that cocktail waitress get to sleep with Tiger for 2 years, and all I ever got for living in Whorelando for five years is a couple of pictures with Joey Fatone
Drunk. Just jacked off for the third time in an hour. I love not being Catholic anymore.
Bunch of Navy warships just sailed into New York Harbor for Fleet Week. Nobodys getting laid this weekend.
Dear future Eric, sorry about the Everclear. Sincerely, Eric +2 shots E.C.
My vagina is screaming your name . Wtf did you do to it
The only flat surface we had was a cheez it box so we snorted the blow off of that. Rock bottom really isn't that bad.
I just want it to be said that I had sex in my Belle dress last night. Classy motherfucker.
I had to dig my own trench to puke in at the resort. That much fun.
I specifically remember rubbing my eyes thinking I could definitely go blind and I really like came to terms with it I was like ok my other senses will develop this is fine
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
Let's be honest, I've seen a decent amount of dicks in my life and very few of them have been worth all the trouble.
Good new is, my parents are alive. Better news they will be in the hospital all weekend. Best news is im having a house party. All weekend.
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