She punched me in the face after i pulled it out and grabbed my cell phone. Ill be the one hiding in the bushes with one shoe.
i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
Would it be inappropriate to do lines in front of the cable guy?
Any little, cute, petite blondes with you?
Nah, I got some slutty brunettes though.
Going abroad, it was like my vagina was in a candy store... a sweet sweet british candy store
just walked past the recycling bin in class, there's keystone cans in it. go cougs.
sooo what's the appropriate music to listen to after you find out the dude you been fucking, is legit married with kids...what genre is that?
walk of shame to my ortho appointment. kids are staring. this little girl just asked her mom if she can havr glitter in her hair too.
He looks like he'd be great Lego character.
I'm sorry for the texts and anything that I said that may have caused confusion, pain or irritation. I shall not be drinking again. Furthermore I will not be keeping a phone on me should I fail to adhere to the prior statement.
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
Bianca brought a stripper home he's making me breakfast
Why was I lying under a truck last night?
He literally poured blue Gatorade on me after we had sex and said "good game" all over my white sheets
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
Randomize
