11:03 p.m. Whats a lie i you lovn me. Let's cuddle.
The best feeling....farting and having the bubble hit your balls
i think i have herpe
just one?
he said my vag tasted like ravioli n pennies... i forgot I was on my period
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
I am going to be the most sexually active ladybug that he has ever seen
THERE WAS A HANDPRINT OF BLOOD ON HIS SHOULDER
I don't think it's considwred fine dining when you're passing out at golden palace in chinatown at 4 am with you boss who happens to be wearing a dress.
Being drunk is way better. Seriously, I just licked your brother to make sure my spit was actually real.
She was horrified when I asked if they had any strap on chin dildos, I was at a sex shop for gods sake must I be judged everywhere
At first I was horrified but then he explained that he shave a "soul patch" on his balls... And I was still horrified, but I went with it.
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
Hopefully they won't bring up last year's Christmas party. I kind of predicted my great aunt's death...
well I ran around the park drunk with a plastic baby and fell, all while screaming "I WILL PROTECT YOU CARLOS", yeah there's video
I was trying not to blow up your phone, but I'm so horny I think I might die
Randomize
