"Is there dairy in semen?" was in her recent google searches...so she's lactose intolerant AND a slut.
If the first sentence isn't something about weed or the nature of choclate I'm skipping class.
it took you forty minutes to realize it was a gay bar.
you were drinking a pitcher of what you called "16 loko" and making everybody guess what the secret ingredient was
found a rock and smashed the sliding glass door. home safe. screen door is locked so we're good.
I'm still not completely convinced I'm not pregnant. I just dipped beef jerky in cream cheese frosting.
Well it looked like you were having a fucking apiphany sitting at the toilet with a t shirt around your head
It was awful. Mid hookup he started reading the titles of the books over my bed, which were about Russian imperial history. He then started asking me questions about the class I was reading the books for. I was like "WE HAVE TIME FOR THAT LATER, PLEASE CONTINUE."
I'm dealing with this like an adult, cupcakes and beer.
To the person who put the glitter on my ceiling fan...fuck you
okay. well, yeah. i'm a mess and a half. this shit is not what dumbledore died for.
I didn't know where you were for like 15 minutes and then I went in the bathroom splashing water on the mirror and throwing hand towels around saying that you were "redecorating"
For the record you're an amazing lay and you have great taste in breakfast sandwiches
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
Wait, you met him on Onlyfans? The guy from last night? Which one of you is the fan?
Because one of you banged your stalker
Randomize
