I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
Nope, didn't see her. We left when you told us you were going to make the " big beef burrito supreme" even more supreme and you took your dick out.
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
he was sobbing,drinking his beer, all while confessing his love for her. awkward was an understatement...
I introduced him to the male G-Spot. Don't ever tell me I'm not experienced.
Some guy seriously just got Jimmy Johns delivered to him at the graduation ceremony. This cannot be real life.
There are flashing lights and a man dressed as Santa with a bullhorn in my cul de sac.
I'm not sure if this is awesome or scary.
Apparently while trying to get up from vomiting in the toilet I grabbed the seat cover for leverage and smashed my own head between it and the bowl. I don't remember this.
I spent the whole weekend building houses out of popsicle sticks for my bowls. How was your weekend?
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
hey the jello shots wont freeze
How much Everclear did you put in them?
uhhh all of it
Last night was good. Things got bad when I found a sledge hammer.
Apparently I have decided there are no repercussions for my actions
I want a dick in my left hand and a Crunch Wrap Supreme in my right hand.
it's like my eyeball is being humped by my eyelid
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