u cheatin on me?
if i did i would try to upgrade babe.
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
I'd say this is worse than that time when I realized that my favorite bath toy growing up was my Mom's douche bottle.
My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
Got kicked out of the baseball game with a 4 officer escort. Not bad for a monday night.
Drunk you is everything I aspire to be in life.
Not sure if he was actually hot or hot in a "he brought a live chicken to the party" kinda way but I got his # regardless
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
I am still STD free so as far as I am concerned I never went to panama.
I know you're my sister, but I'm pretty sure I'm going to have sex with one of your exes this weekend. He's probably not gay, but I'll let you know.
I've found a new low. I was climb-on-the-bar-piano drunk.
It'd probably just be a lot of profanity and hyperventilation and deteriorating into tears anyways
so just a regular conversation then
I mean I'd assume the strange looks are on account of the fact that I'd imagine people normally don't stink of booze on an 8:14am flight.
If she didn't block me, she would have known that I sneezed on her toothbrush.
It baffles me why I still wear white underwear...
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