You're the unicorn of the gay community. Unbelievable and unattainable.
That's the secret to virgins: blizzards.
True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
Some guy just delivered flowers to my roommate cause he fell off a roof onto her at a party last night. I think they have a date tomorrow.
I just had a flashback of 4:30am: me hugging the toilet bowl and you handing me a jar of pickles to open. There is something seriously wrong with us.
I just came so hard there were tears. Actual tears.
Well call me tomorrow, it's a great story that may lead to me being fired and/or possibly being buried in a shallow grave somewhere out in wine country.
#1- I went to button my shirt only to find they were all mising. #2- I'm so fu@king sore I feel like I was sweating to the oldies all night. #3- this pounding headache I have, I blame solely on Jennifer. Everyone sounds like Billy Mays when they talk. I remember nothing from last night, I'm concerned.
You burned the hair off your arms. Again.
It grows back stronger each time.
Just participated in the saddest thing: Cheetos. Handjob. I have lost at life
Technically, I traded a soft pretzel for sex last night...
My brain and heart say thanks but my vagina isn't super pleased with you right now
My vagina feels like a chupacabra ripped me apart using its mythological set of needle pointed teeth
Once you find out someone has a small dick, you never look at them the same again.
No problem...what are friends for if they can't rub eachothers genitals.
Randomize
