I can already tell this is gonna be one of those parties where we sit across the room and text about people.
I hate when my naked walk-arounds are interrupted by someone knocking on the door
I wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commercials.
At some point I made a semi-conscious decision that i was okay with sleeping in my own vomit.
i got pulled over in my 'cops love me' tshirt. he didn't think it was funny when i pointed it out.
Today should be called shooting fish in a barrel day. Every place ive gone to ive met a girl who regrets not hooking up last night. There have not been girls this easy since Fathers Day
Theres a picture of you standing next to a John Wayne cardboard cutout that says dont drink and drive. your buddy is shirtless holding a beer and youre holding your keys up with marker on your face.
you kept yelling "this bitch stole my phone" to the guy who found you passed out in the parking lot
Of course... Double fistin nati light cuz the powers out and it cuts down the times i gotta open the fridge... Genius
So apparently using the emergency exit of the bar as a bathroom is frowned upon in this establishment...
She was about to leave with you until you started singing "You Hoes Ain't Loyal" in her face
my mom asked if I found my Easter basket. it's 1PM & I got home an hour ago from last night. if I'm looking for anything, it's my dignity.
When she's hammered the amount of alliteration that comes out of her mouth is amazing.
The walk of shame was so much longer today. i have to start fucking guys in my own postcode.
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
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