I wish they made helmets for livers.
Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
You said, "can you make out with him for a little bit, I need a break."
high enough to want to lick peanut butter off of Michael Buble's vocal chords as he serenades me.
As long as you're naked and covered in glow paint, I'm there.
Bad news? she threw her drink in his face, left her phone at the club, and disappeared. I found her laying in bed with the bottle she stole from our VIP service. Good news is she's asleep and I have the bottle, come home
Weirdly I'm doing ok, but I've tested positive for chlamydia, I wanted to let you know
Things you do not want to hear after sex: I almost lost my gum in your pussy. Really dude, don't share that with me!
We were hunting our best friend with a BB gun in the backyard. I'd say the vaporizer was a worthy investment at this point.
Woke up naked with a post-it that said "don't ask questions" on my ass...i know im not supposed to ask but uhm what did I do?
Can we get pizza? This is seriously not a booty call. I just really want someone to get pizza with me.
i woke up on someones kitchen floor, and i used the gps in my phone to find my way home. im really glad you forgot about me.
My ex just brought my grandpa weed. Not sure how I feel about this.
Dude, what the hell where you thinking last night
Welllllll basically they were like "challenge" and I was like "accepted"
Of course you try to burn the house down on the one night we take down the smoke alarm so we can use the fog machine more
Randomize
