I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
i was so high i thought his mole came off and was flying around
The guy in front of me in lecture is using a fifth of smirnoff as a water bottle.
Nevermind, it's not water.
I just woke up to me licking the dognuts
You mean Doughnuts?
......No :(
That's saying a lot from the girl who takes her liquor with her to the library
Also I feel like 60% of our relationship is based on sausage mcmuffins.
Yes, he made a MIX CD for our booty call...
Just had the best idea EVER: start a mead brewing/dispensery business! WE CAN BREW IT IN MY GIANT CLOSET, AND NEVER BE SOBER AGAIN.
IT IS CHRISTMAS EVE AND I AM SUPPOSED TO BE HAVING SEX WITH AN ATTRACTIVE BLACK MAN IN THE NEXT FEW DAYS AND I JUST GOT MY PERIOD. WHEN PEOPLE ASK ME WHY I DON'T BELIEVE IN GOD I WILL TELL THEM OF THIS DAY.
For graduation he gave me roses, a giraffe necklace, and a butt plug. I think this might be my one shot at true love
He gave me the award for most entertaining blow job. That should count for something.
Oh man, are we repeating last 4th of July?!
That shouldn't even be a question, it's a tradition now. Hope your manhood is ready.
I won't let penises inside me if you won't let tequila inside you, deal?
I slept with the Australian in the bathroom of a gay bar. What has my life become.
The good thing about country bars is that the men generally look like men. The bad thing is the country music.
Randomize
