my friend just told me "I dunno what u r doing but keep doing it cuz it makes u look fabulous"
LOL that's cool. Guess u r gonna have to keep doing me
made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
They want to listen to Lady Gaga while they puke.
don't worry about the neighbors I'm like 99% sure all that snow covered a good portion of our vomit
what the fuck a piece of candy corn just came out of her nose
My niece just unknowingly cock blocked me. Obviously, someone won't be getting a christmas present this year.
Tell me you didn't have sex with my dad.
Does it count if I'm only ambidextrous while masturbating?
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
I'm sitting at work trying to dust glitter off my pants. I can't hang out with her anymore.
OMGGG I JUST SAW A REAL OWL JUST CHILLING ON TOP OF A SIGN POST. I WALKED UP TO HIM AND SAID HOO HOOOOO AND HE TURNED HIS HEAD AT ME AND WAS LIKE YEAHHH BRO
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
If you saw or spoke to me yesterday can you message me. Trying to make a timeline of the day I was too drunk to remember
I need an office. I have big plans. I'm learning spanish this month.
Randomize
