Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
i found you on the dancefloor with your cell phone to your ear saying that you didn't like the music they played at the club so you were going to listen to your own
Well it went from being a hug to a straight out tackle through the back door.
I'm gonna make a mold of your dick so I can make popsicles
He told me to put on my big boy pants, then take them off and fuck her before he smacks me with a chair. His pep talks suck.
Is "sorry I booted you out mid-fuck last night" a good icebreaker?
i knew it was love when she pulled a beer out from between her boobs and offered it to me
The thought "Ummm which pants am I wearing? ...I *am* wearing pants, right?" just ran through my head. I'm done. So done.
You're such a good friend. You send me pictures of your boobs when I'm sad. I will always appreciate that.
He called me in the middle of the night to ask my shoe size. Apparently big feet would make me an unsatisfactory third for the threesome.
Tried to shave my legs but the rug burn on my knees from last night got in the way.
Your penis is the destroyer of worlds.
You put a bag of sliced onions in the microwave then screamed, "voila, onion rings!"
Dude, don't beat around the bush. We're fucked and you know it.
I am eating croutons on my bathroom floor. Are you happy?!
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