I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
i have to go see a new gyno today. he's a male. i just took 3 shots of tequila. its almost like freshman year... drink alcohol, meet a strange man, let him play with my vagina.
Weddings at vineyards should never be allowed to happen. I'm pretty sure I drank every bottle they produced in 2008.
Did you ever stop and think that god invented whiskey dick specifically for me
Shes sitting on the front porch puking in to the pumpkin she just carved...in the rain. I guess pumpkin spice tequila shots wasnt our best idea.
Everything sucks i just wanna cry and smoke a bowl and pet my cat and die. All at the same time
It was like being fucked by the god of thunder, he gained power from the storm. I took a Plan B because I don't think regular birth control will stop Thor's sperm.
I told him that his face would look perfect between my legs. One of my most successful strategies yet.
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
I say go for the trifecta and maybe you'll get a medal or something. Or a baby. That's like the same thing right?
he just looked at me, said "i think i'll keep you around, you put the seat back up and everything," and then burst into tears.
She took one look at my hardon and said, "You have a dick built for anal."
That wasn't a compliment.
I have the WORST cramps EVER. I think this is gods way of saying 'you're welcome, last warning. stop being a slut.'
Take home message: SPERM IS EVIL AND SHOULD NEVER EVER EVER BE ALLOWED UP ONE'S NOSE.
My party ended early and I have a mountain of shrimp and weed
Randomize
