Honestly I wish you never came into my life. I know I don't want you. But I keep trying to get you back bc of the memories
I don't see you I see the memories. All the time
Me too. Send a cab. Order food.
I hope to God it wasnt poon. That odor was unnatural, it was satanic pussy.
and this is why I hate my dad. He got 25x more angry with me when I wanted to drive a different route then he suggested to get to his house (more scenic- thus more enjoyable) then he did when I told him I was driving drunk with 4 people in the car and I got my 5th speeding ticket last night.
This morning I saw a frozen puddle in front of my RA's door and I laughed, assuming someone poured water in hopes that she would slip and fall. That's when my roommate told me I had peed there last night. Thank you Captain Morgan!
I just want you to know that were having pizza delivered to the emergency room
i'm considering texting him with "i'm leaving the country for a year, wanna fuck?"
do it. it's every man's dream.
You found Muppets From Space a little too intense, so you just sorta sat on the ground and stared at the wall plug for an hour and a half.
he said i give him, and i quote, "emotional blue balls"
dude, im taking a shit and i just realized it's his MOM in the shower not him...oh fuck
Stumbled across a pregnancy test in my closet. Oh, the freshman year flashbacks..
ever had the feeling "I've been drunk in this bathroom before?" Like De ja drunk?
Right now I'm drinking out of a gallon water jug & eating a baconator. If you're feeling down, just remember you could be me.
I hope dressing like a sexy, but very grown up and intelligent, secretary while out shopping helps disguise how high I am right now.
I just ate your leftovers whilst watching Garfield and Friends. Thank you across the board.
Randomize
