I'm sorry I'm just not ready to become vampire yet
So I have to ask... did I meet your lumberjack expectations? I mean, minus the red flannel and all.
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
Planet Earth isn't gonna get stoned and watch itself.
I took a shit in your bathtub. Nothings off limits
I just sold some kid a bong I made out of a vuvuzela for $50. I think I found my career path.
Do you think they make a "sorry in my drunken debauchery I dropped a pumpkin off the balcony and you happened to be standing right there/get well soon" card?
I'm currently making some changes in my life. If you don't hear from me anymore, then you're probably one of them. Or I'm dead.
I knew you would eventually ask my secret. Pedialite mix drinks. Works wonders.
You know you're at a low point when you're sucking vodka out if your hair.
Well obviously when I get drunk my intelligence level surpasses yours and that's why you can't understand me.
Recycling my beer bottles from breakfast counts for earth day, right?
So I deleted all the text from my phone, was looking for my mom's coffee order and show the coffee guy the pic of me eating pussy.
Both of us came out of our rooms at the same time in boxers and sat on the couch. No words were spoken.
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
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