Yea. The knew something was up when i told them i had to go pick up goat milk and and and a roasted chicken at 2 am
just found more coke in my pocket. i love not washing my jeans after every individual use.
Just crossed the line with my beat friends girl twinsie. Didn't realize tillz afta how much the look alike and an thougholy creeped out. Thanks ciroc
I like your house better though. Cause it has febreeze and lube.
I don't think you have any idea how kinky that sounds.
Can I use you as a job reference? Don't tell them i got you fired cause I banged you tho
i wish the dell website had a "did you drink an entire bottle of rum and stepped on your laptop which shattered the screen this weekend and would like to know how to fix it without your parents finding out FAST?" link on their homepage.. i can't be the only one
I forgot my id and a man called soup is buying me vodka.
Just orgasmed in canada. I should get a sticker or something that says I orgasmed in a different country.
Oh, I never thought you were a dick. You were one of the best morally comprised ideas I've ever had.
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
I would recommend NOT getting ass enhancement shots.
Sushi was just eaten off my naked body. I feel like I can die in peace now.
I lose my morals, my dignity, and my selfie stick :(
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
one of my students asked me today if i was having a baby. fuckin 4 year olds and their lack of filter. time to get back to the gym i guess
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