the condom got lost in my hair
his tattoo said carpe diem which i thought was ironic considering his epilepsy
I woke up and he had cut my bangs and put makeup on me.
I don't care how good they make you look, you've got to stop sleeping with gay guys.
pretty sure if my vagina had a mouth, it would have been smiling afterwards.
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
He's only a freshman and he needs to expirence shit like that..
YOU would be the Freshman Expirence
Did strip banana grams actually happen last night
Kinda sad when you get home on a Sunday morning and the paper guy HAND DELIVERS the newspaper to you...,
Currently getting "blaow" buzzed into my pubes. How's your thursday?
I don't remember much of last night. But I woke up with very apologetic texts from him this morning so apparently I didn't get laid. Which is stupid.
She looked up at the menu and yelled this is my absolute favorite literacy
Did you put candle wax on my balls last night?
She said she is going to be sex-slave version of Princess Leia for halloween. You think there is any way I could pull off an attractive Jabba suit?
You're either getting fucked or a coupon to Friendly's. I haven't decided yet.
We're so high we're eating flavored lube.
Randomize
